Is your Ego Ruling your Relationships?

Janet Winterbourne explores the ‘me, myself and I’ relationship.

Are you in a relationship fraught with insecurities, jealousy and suspicion? Have you or your partner been prone to affairs or destructive behaviour? Do you suffer from a low self-esteem or a lack of confidence? And, do you or your partner protect yourselves with an impenetrable wall that makes it difficult to acknowledge the fear, hurt and pain that you carry around with you? If some of this sounds familiar it could be that your ego is in charge of your life and not you!

Ego is a word that we glibly use, often without much thought as to what it actually is. The term ego can be described as the ‘self’ of an individual, the conscious mind based on its perception of the environment from birth onwards. It is responsible for modifying the antisocial desires of the ID and is then modified by the ‘superego’; our conscience.

In my counselling sessions issues of the ‘ego’ regularly arise, I am frequently asked to explain in layman’s terms why it is that someone’s ego often puts the individual in a seemingly self-sabotaging and/or relationship sabotaging situation.

Without spouting Freudian analysis ad nauseum, I try to describe it as the subconscious acting out of one’s early programming (from birth) based upon the messages that were imprinted upon us as babies and small children. If as an infant our needs are fully met then there is every chance that we will grow up to be well-rounded stable adults with a healthy self-esteem and good confidence levels. We will be able to interact with others and to sustain a healthy balanced intimate relationship.

However, if there has been some unhealthy programming such as neglect or abuse it could possibly lead to an adult that lives with fear and issues around abandonment which will undermine their confidence levels. I have experienced in my work that individuals with a damaged ego can at times be rendered inert and unable to function due to the belief that they are not good enough, not capable enough or simply not worthy enough! The result of this programming can lead a person to behave very humbly or subservient to those around them. They never really achieve or realise their true potential. Alternatively the ego can create a state of ‘bravado’ where the person is over-blown and exaggerates their achievements. They glorify themselves thereby massaging the ego in the hopes that their cover won’t be blown. Either one of these situations produces a person that is fragile and vulnerable, a hostage of his/her own ego.

When I speak of our programming from birth, it does not mean that the levels of neglect or poor programming have to be extreme. What may seem relatively mild for example; the poorly worded criticism of a child such as “you’re stupid” can leave that child believing that they are and this may perpetuate a negative self image.

In terms of relationships, it is often difficult for a person with ego issues to sustain a happy union. Their insecurities, even if seemingly well disguised, tend to surface. Often an almost self sabotaging, self-fulfilling prophecy occurs. The individual pushes his/her partner away. It is by means of this damaging behaviour that the ego tries to protect the vulnerable person – proving the person to be incapable and therefore reinforcing their lack of self worth which creates a low self-esteem. This can lead to infidelity, abusive tendencies and the occurrence of other destructive patterns.

It however does not have to be this way. Awareness is the key to mastery of your ego. You can break free of the shackles and aberrant behaviour that the ego creates. I have witnessed some amazing about-turns in people when they simply become aware that their actions are the enactment of their early childhood programming, which can be challenged and changed. How we are the way we are makes sense and allows us to change the things we don’t like and that have not served us well. By changing what is not working, we feel better about ourselves this leads to more satisfying stable relationships.

As a solution-focused therapist, I will say that this can be life changing work. It however requires commitment and the discipline to actively monitor and learn how to control the ego so that you, not it, is in charge. As part of their ‘homework’, I will ask clients to take a step back from themselves and to assess what is happening to them in the particular situations. They have to try and identify when the ego is dictating their responses or actions – then to utilise that awareness to ‘choose’ to take their personal power back and to decide which route to go. Whether it is the route the ego was dictating OR some other route that may be more appropriate and less damaging. Positive results can lead to a higher level of confidence and self-esteem and can allow for more authentic relationships.

This is my last article for Full Circle. Thank you to all who have written and called me, I hope I have answered your questions suitably. I work from my own private practice and my website contains all of my past articles.

As always any related questions or queries can be directed to Janet on 083 268 6566 or via email . Wishing you all a very happy festive season!